


(when i grow up) i wanna love you

by Jenhoney



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Established Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pre-Relationship, brief appearances from the rest of mx, changkyun is pining, kihyun's in denial bc when isn't he
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-09-21 19:44:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17049419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenhoney/pseuds/Jenhoney
Summary: Changkyun fell in love with Kihyun when he was six. He didn't know the boy, but he did catch glimpses of him every now and then. He did know, however, that the boy often smelled nice, and had a really pretty smile. He knew the boy had a loud laugh, as well as chubby fingers that made Changkyun's little heart swell with adoration.Changkyun fell in love with Kihyun again when he was seventeen.





	(when i grow up) i wanna love you

Changkyun fell in love with Kihyun when he was six. He didn't know the boy, but he did catch glimpses of him every now and then. He did know, however, that the boy often smelled nice, and had a really pretty smile. He knew the boy had a loud laugh, as well as chubby fingers that made Changkyun's little heart swell with adoration. It took him only a month of gawking at the boy he always saw in the grocery store to introduce himself, puffing out his chest and making his voice sound lower than it actually was. "My name is Im Changkyun!" He said firmly, lips set in a tiny pout that seemed to bring a smile to the other boy's face. 

 

"I'm Yoo Kihyun. Are you lost?" He replied, only causing Changkyun's pout to deepen. When the younger boy started to shake his head, resembling a puppy Kihyun had seen a few days before, a frown set on Kihyun's lips. "Then what is it?" 

 

"You're pretty. Wanna be your friend," Changkyun explained, pout being replaced with a proud smile. He forgot to lower his voice this time, the sound now higher and more fitting for his age. He didn't mind much about forgetting. His mother told him he was a handsome boy, he was sure he could charm Kihyun with that alone. 

 

"My friend?" Kihyun repeated curiously. His own voice wasn't very deep, though it certainly showed he was older than Changkyun. He was also slightly taller, which, if it had been any other boy, Changkyun would perhaps flush and discreetly stand on his toes. However, this wasn't just any boy, this was the pretty boy who often laughed at his mother's red cheeks and eagerly helped her reach things on the lowest shelves. This was Kihyun. "Alright, then, Changkyun. I'll be your friend. Promise me you'll stay out of trouble?" Kihyun smiled then, leaning over just the slightest bit to offer Changkyun his pinkie. A pinkie promise, Changkyun realized, before he looped their fingers with delight. 

 

"Promise! Anything for hyung!" He chimed happily, eyes shut in a smile. "Promise we'll meet up again next week?"

 

Kihyun nodded at this, allowing his finger to tighten the slightest bit around Changkyun's, solidifying their promise. Changkyun was ecstatic, grinning and waving with both hands as he rushed to rejoin his mother. 

 

~ 

 

Changkyun fell in love with Kihyun again when he was seventeen. They had started to distance themselves from one another, not by choice, but because Kihyun often worked to help support his mother, and Changkyun had to immerse himself in his studies. Kihyun text him often, of course, but usually it consisted of small messages reminding Changkyun to eat, or take a shower, or even sleep on time. He acted as Changkyun's personal alarm clock, knocking on Changkyun's bedroom door before rushing to work (he claimed Changkyun's small home was on the way, so it wasn't a bother). When Changkyun would bring up his crush to Kihyun, Kihyun would shrug him off gently, telling him that he was merely confusing love for adoration. Changkyun didn't quite believe him. 

 

After four weeks of not seeing Kihyun's face, Changkyun finally got to see him. Kihyun had come to pick him up from school, hair a light brown, almost like a chestnut or almond. He smiled at Changkyun when they made eye contact, waving with both hands and scurrying over to him. 

 

"Changkyunnie!" Kihyun chimed, smile bright and eyes squinted. Changkyun loved that smile. "Your friends said you've been pretty down lately, so I decided you'd come out with me, is that alright?"

 

Changkyun wanted to scoff, but decided against it. Seeing Kihyun was one thing he's wanted since he stopped coming around. 

 

Glancing at his phone, Changkyun's cheeks turned pink when he realized that his wallpaper was still a picture of Kihyun in low lighting, cheeks flushed and head thrown back in laughter. Changkyun had made him blush, a rare occurrence and a blessing. Changkyun loved seeing Kihyun flustered. "Of course it is, hyung," he said, though the enthusiasm he felt inside didn't quite reach his voice. 

 

"Have you met any pretty girls?" Kihyun asked as they started walking side by side, a smile still on his face, but somehow it seemed off. 

 

"No."

 

"Changkyunnie! You should find a girlfriend, you know? You haven't even had your first kiss!" 

 

"You haven't either, hyung. Besides, I don't like girls. I like you." 

 

Kihyun paused for a moment, the tips of his ears tinted red, before he laughed again, patting Changkyun's shoulders. "No, Changkyunnie, you really don't. You just think you do."

 

"I really do." Changkyun muttered under his breath, sighing as he continued to walk beside Kihyun. "Why is it you refuse to believe it?" 

 

"Well, Changkyunnie, you've been saying that you like me since you were six. Eventually, it stops seeming true, or it seems like you're sticking by it only because of the past." 

 

"But I've liked you since I was six, hyung. It'll always be true. I'll be eighty and still wanna kiss you." 

 

Another pause, before Kihyun let out a soft laugh, this one breathier than the others. "You want to kiss me?" 

 

"Of course I do. I mean it when I say I like you." 

 

"Okay. How about this? When I walk you home, I'll kiss you. Then you'll see that you really don't like me. Of course, then you'll spend the rest of your life regretting wasting your first kiss on me. Deal?" Kihyun looked over at Changkyun then, a half smile on his lips that didn't quite reach his eyes. 

 

"Deal." Changkyun muttered, sighing quietly. 

 

Kihyun was wrong, of course. Just as Changkyun said, he liked him. When their lips touched at 8:34 p.m, Changkyun's heart started to flutter and crack at the same time. His stomach filled with butterflies while it dropped. His mind was both swimming and drowning. Kihyun's lips were soft, so soft, and his hands on Changkyun's cheeks were gentle. Changkyun only loved him more. 

 

~ 

 

Changkyun was twenty two when he began to back off. He didn't proclaim his feelings for Kihyun anymore. He stuck by the older boy more often than he had been able to in high school, though his best friend Jooheon was often at his side as well. He stopped looking to Kihyun for comfort, often locking himself away to avoid stressing anyone else out. He couldn't look Kihyun in the eyes any longer, not when his feelings had been rejected so many times. He was tired, his heart ached and longed for Kihyun, though he knew it was likely his feelings would never be returned. 

 

He was twenty two when his friends decided to play truth or dare while they'd been drinking. He was twenty two when he refused to meet Kihyun's eyes as he lied. 

 

"Kkungkkung," Hoseok said, the pet name rolling off his tongue a bit messier than usual. "Truth or dare?" 

 

"Dare." 

 

"I dare you to kiss Kihyunnie." 

 

"... Truth." 

 

"Ah, okay. Is it true you're in love with Kihyun?" 

 

The game had been this way for a while. They'd found out that Hyunwoo had never dated a girl, they'd dared Jooheon and Minhyuk to kiss. They'd found out Kihyun had still never been in a relationship, mainly because he was gay. They'd dared Hoseok to litter Hyungwon's neck with kisses. Of course Changkyun wouldn't get away. 

 

"Um... No. Not anymore, " he whispered, a lump in his throat. The lie tasted bitter, made him want to throw up and take it back immediately. Seeing the surprise in Kihyun's eyes only made him want to take it back more, hands shaking and the beer in his hands sloshing against the glass of the bottle. His mind screamed at him. His heart felt as if it receded into a small hole somewhere within Changkyun's chest. 

 

"Oh," Kihyun said softly, nodding slowly at the information. It was clear he had little idea as to what he wanted to say or do, so he opted to take another sip of his beer. 

 

"Hyung, truth or dare?" Changkyun asked instead of looking at Kihyun, eyes on Jooheon. 

 

"Ah, truth?"

 

"Have you ever lied about not liking someone?" 

 

"Mmm... No. I usually just don't tell them, honestly." 

 

Changkyun nodded, acting as if he was pleased with the answer. He honestly couldn't have cared about what Jooheon had said. His chest ached too much. Each time he glanced at Kihyun, his eyes met the older boy's. He looked betrayed, hurt almost. What gave him the right? Changkyun stood then, taking a moment to regain his balance. "I'm going outside. It's really hot. The alcohol's getting to my head." He walked out without waiting for a reply. 

 

The cold night air brought some relief to his clammy skin, the sound of crickets filling the silence. The occasional car would pass by; if a driver spotted him, they'd usually offer a small wave or a nod to be respectful. Changkyun nearly scoffed, head filled with the sound of Kihyun scolding no one in particular about manners and etiquette. 

 

"You know, it's not very polite to not say how are you," Changkyun heard, mind seeming to remember Kihyun's words far too vividly. He shook his head after a moment, sighing and leaning against the porch, fingers finding purchase in his hair. "Lim Changkyun." 

 

This startled Changkyun, making him turn to meet Kihyun's eyes. He started to wonder when Kihyun had stopped being so tall. He wondered when he could look Kihyun in the eyes without raising to his toes. 

 

"You forgot your coat. You're gonna freeze," Kihyun said softly, holding up a coat that definitely wasn't Changkyun's and helping him put it on. They stood in silence afterwards, Kihyun rubbing his own bare arms. Changkyun had half a mind to scold him, though he decided to turn to Kihyun and open the coat. 

 

"Slide your arms in." 

 

"In? In where?" 

 

"Like you're hugging me. But under the jacket." 

 

Changkyun swore he saw Kihyun blush, arms wrapping around Changkyun's torso and hands resting against his back. From here, Changkyun could smell Kihyun's laundry detergent, the cologne he usually wore only when he knew he'd be around Changkyun. He could smell Kihyun's coconut shampoo, could feel the warmth radiating from Kihyun's body. His senses were filled with Kihyun, yet he'd never felt so far. 

 

"So, Changkyunnie." 

 

He stayed quiet, deciding to let Kihyun steer the conversation. Kihyun had always led their conversations. 

 

"Did you mean what you said?" 

 

Silence met Kihyun's words, before a bitter laugh escaped Kihyun's lips. 

 

"That's what I thought. I guess I was right, huh, Changkyunnie?" 

 

A sigh. Changkyun said nothing. 

 

"I'm just... stupid. Ignore me. I just..." 

 

Silence. Changkyun could feel Kihyun's heart race, then slow down, almost as if it, too, had broken. He felt Kihyun's fingers loosen their grip, sliding down the fabric of his shirt. Each of Kihyun's actions spelled one thing: defeated. 

 

"You're not stupid. You're incredibly intelligent." 

 

"Huh?" 

 

"Let me talk for once, hyung." 

 

Kihyun seemed shocked into silence then, leaning back just enough to look at Changkyun's dimmed features. The porch light was off, the only light coming from the moon and passing cars. 

 

"I don't think you understood me every other time, so I'll tell you now, clearly. I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for so long, hyung, so long. I told you every chance I could because I'm filled with so much love for you that I feel as if I'll genuinely explode if I don't let it out in some way. I didn't kiss you. I've never forced myself on you because I respected you. I was okay with the fact that you would never love me too. I just wanted to be by your side. I wanted to be able to stand beside you, even if it meant shoving my feelings into a box and locking it. I wanna love you, hyung, so badly. I'd give anything to be able to kiss you again, and to hold your hand and call you my boyfriend, but I know that won't happen. I've known for a long time. That's why I stopped telling you every day. That's why I told hyung no, I didn't like you anymore. At the end of the day, I'm your best friend before anything else. I'm happy as long as you're happy." 

 

They were silent for a while, Changkyun's hands locked beneath Kihyun's lower back, yet not touching him. Their chests were pressed together, any and all contact there courtesy of Kihyun. It was clear Changkyun meant his words, eyes glassed over and filled with honesty. Kihyun knew he did, but somehow, he didn't want him to. 

 

"Changkyun, I..." He trailed off, voice growing weak and head falling to rest against Changkyun's shoulder. "I don't want you to stop telling me you love me every day. I don't want you to be okay with the thought that I wouldn't love you too." 

 

"Why?" 

 

"Because I love you too, Changkyun. I was just scared that maybe one day you'd realize that you didn't actually like me, or you'd get tired of me, or-" 

 

Changkyun stopped Kihyun there, leaning back to look at the older boy. Tears filled his eyes, lip pulled between his perfect teeth as he avoided Changkyun's gaze. 

 

"I would never stop loving you, Kihyun. I've been in love with you for sixteen years. I loved you when you were chubby, I loved you through so many bad haircuts, I loved you when you sang your heart out in every choir class you took, I loved you when you came to my house in the middle of the night crying because you'd lost your voice, I loved you when you cried over a stupid movie, I loved you every day and I'll love you every day until the end of time. You're not just my best friend or my hyung, you're the love of my life. I grew up thinking about how much I wanted to marry you." 

 

"We can't get married in Korea," Kihyun mentioned offhandedly, voice quiet, quivering. 

 

"We can go to America. I'll translate everything for you, I don't mind. We can drive an hour just to get Korean barbecue, or drive ten minutes just to get a hundred dollars worth of chicken. I don't care, hyung, as long as I'm with you." Changkyun took Kihyun's cheeks between his hands then, thumbs sweeping beneath his eyes to catch stray tears. "From the second I saw you in the back of an E-mart to today, I've loved you. I plan on spending the rest of my life loving you," he said softly, their foreheads bumping lightly. 

 

Kihyun was clearly speechless, opting to use actions over words. He didn't trust his voice any longer, arms wrapping tightly around Changkyun's waist and clutching him close. He sobbed into Changkyun's shoulder, pressing shaky kisses to any bits of skin he could reach. 

 

"You always were an emotional drunk," Changkyun teased lightly, hand raising to pet the back of Kihyun's head. 

 

"I'm not drunk," came the muffled reply, face buried against Changkyun's neck. 

 

"So what are you, tipsy? Buzzed?" 

 

"Going to hit you." 

 

"I don't think that's a measurement of how much alcohol you've had." 

 

Leaning back to look at Changkyun, Kihyun reached up to caress his cheeks, sighing under his breath. "Barely even a bottle. I've been cooking, remember?" 

 

"Fair enough," Changkyun nodded, lips pursing to hide his own grin. 

 

"I had only joined your stupid little game when Hyunwoo turned red." 

 

"It's cute that Hyunwoo hasn't officially dated anyone." 

 

"We haven't either, Changkyunnie. We can't really judge." 

 

Changkyun nodded at Kihyun's words, knowing the older was right, until a grin overtook his features. "But... we can date, right?"

 

"Let me ask this first: how much alcohol have  _you_ had tonight?" 

 

"A bottle? I didn't really drink. I was watching you." 

 

"Fair enough," Kihyun echoed, lips pursing as he nodded. 

 

"Did you just mock me?"

 

"Is it mocking if you got the pursed lips habit from me?" 

 

"Is it mocking if I got the nodding habit from you too?" Changkyun shot back with a laugh, allowing his palms to rest against Kihyun's lower back. 

 

"Your answer is no. Your answer is also a _don't steal my habits, you thieving walnut,_ but that's a different matter," Kihyun said with a grin, shaking his head lightly. 

 

"I hate to tell you, but at least thirty percent of my habits came from you." 

 

"Oh yeah, you're definitely whipped." 

 

"Already, and you're still not my boyfriend," Changkyun said with a dramatic sigh, shaking his head as if he were disappointed. 

 

"Tragic." 

 

"Will you be my boyfriend?" 

 

"Yes, I will be your boyfriend." 

 

Grinning, Changkyun bumped his forehead against Kihyun's, eyes fluttering shut. His heart raced, fluttered, seemed to absolutely float in his chest. "Really? Does that mean you'll kiss me?" 

 

Instead of answering, Kihyun brought his hands up to cup Changkyun's cheeks, pressing his lips against the younger's in a tender kiss. They heard a cheer at the door, parting after a moment and turning to see their five idiotic friends gathered in front of the door, gawking and grinning. 

 

"Now I don't have to hear Changkyunnie groan!" Jooheon joked, shooting a playful wink at Changkyun. 

 

"Now people won't ask if Kihyun dates me!" Hoseok and Minhyuk cheered together, giving the other a high five. 

 

"Was that an issue before?" Kihyun asked with wide eyes, though the two in question fled when his gaze fell on them. 

 

"Yeah, probably," Hyungwon said with a snicker, winking at Changkyun before he followed the pair. 

 

"Congratulations," Hyunwoo gave a soft chuckle, arm wrapping around Jooheon's shoulders. "Now I'll make sure you aren't bothered again, you're welcome." 

 

The two laughed when they heard Jooheon's whine, Hyunwoo leading the boy back into the living room and leaving Kihyun and Changkyun alone. When they made eye contact again, they ended up laughing, stepping back the slightest bit. 

 

"You know what I used to tell my mom?" Changkyun asked, obviously trying to break the silence. 

 

"What's that?" 

 

"When I grow up, I wanna love Kihyunnie freely." 

 

"I guess your wish came true, you thieving walnut." 

**Author's Note:**

> happy new years! enjoy another super old draft that's about to auto-delete! ♡


End file.
